I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
