you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dignity is for republicans.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
