Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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