So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
