Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
