All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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