Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
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I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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