i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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