That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
