I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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