I want to make a zoo with you.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
