made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
