I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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