At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
