Soap is not a condiment
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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