i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You are the jesus of drinking
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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