I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Randomize
