We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
