i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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