I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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