God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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