I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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