Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
