There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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