I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
