I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
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the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
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You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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