You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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