I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
