Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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