btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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