Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
