A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
