first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
