$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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