I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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