My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
