Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
