4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
