i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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