you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
