You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
