My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
