i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
