Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That accounts for only three of the penises
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
