if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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