i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
