This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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