You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
