Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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