Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
