I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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