Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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