When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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