Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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