I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
