take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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