I wish my penis had an off switch
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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