This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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